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The REAL issues are ignored

People, People,  PLEASE stop with the “comparing” and “correlations” between monsters/killers! Realize GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE! Stupid, rage filled, maniac’s KILL people! They could have done it with a knife, a bomb, a blunt object, a crossbow…. or countless other ways! It’s not our “right to bare arms” that needs to be changed, it’s MUCH, MUCH deeper than that!

It’s our parenting or lack there of (tell your child NO sometimes! Stop letting them THINK they are the parent! Stop being AFRAID to DISCIPLINE out of fear of DHS! No child ever DIED from crying and there is a CLEAR LINE between DISCIPLINE and ABUSE, STOP being you kids FRIEND! YOU are their PARENT FIRST! Take a freaking PARENTING CLASS for damn sake!

Our lack of tolerance, our governments control of prosperity, our total failure as a NATION to stand TOGETHER and DEMAND better for those of us who WORK at LIFE….the COMMON people! Our complete abandonment of EMPATHY!

And, the mass concentration on a contradictory, egomaniacal and irrational, not to mention nonsensical belief system! Ugh, but I know you don’t hear me! I’m simply a voice in the middle of a massive, raging ocean!

But I will say this, if someone breaks into your home in the middle of the night, has a weapon and is a threat of harm to your child/ren or partner….don’t you want to be ABLE to own a weapon that just might save all of your lives? Since of course, no one is really looking to “FIX” the REAL problems of our country!?

 I know I do….if someone broke into my home and was a threat to my life or that of MY CHILDREN, I definitely want to continue to lawfully own a gun for their protection as well as my own! And there is not a damn thing wrong with a person protecting their family, life, home or business!

A gun in a drawer can’t KILL anyone! But ANY weapon in the hands of a lunatic can! Maybe we should be focused on the process’s involved in applying for a gun licence, like an IQ or stability test, safety classes, anger management classes. There truly are other very good options that could be implemented!

Let’s actually focus on that, rather than what we have been focusing on!



It’s quiet but the sounds in my head never seem to rest…..
I need to scream, I need to whisper I need to sing, I need to cry….why

Spiritual Roots

Over the last few months I’ve been soul searching and striving to understand what I feel deep in my inner self. I am fully aware of all I’ve learned in different religions and while I love and respect most of the basis of religions in general, I tend to pull away from the things that I feel are someones attempt at forming a thought or opinion. I’ve always felt more like a spiritual heart, I see love and life in everything. I cherish and respect the world as my teacher. Since I was a young girl I’ve felt some odd connection to things that I still to this day explain.

So I have come to the decision to delve back into my ‘roots’ as it were of spirituality and seek out the wisdom of the old “religions” before Christianity and find my purpose. I know I have gifts that I have no idea how to use, I also have gifts that I know how to use but have tried very hard to ignore them. It is my time. I need to focus and regain myself. I lost so much of me when I lost what I loved. And I gained some things that to be quite honest aren’t all that great! I have so much to give, and I live to share it all! I have always felt that desperation in my soul, the need to give, share, love, heal…. it is time! Maybe then my life will be in order and aligned for the beautiful things I deserve.

Blessed Be.

You say nobody wants you but you know this isn’t quite true…..

You try and try to keep them at bay, pissin em off and sending em away…

You say you’re nobody, but I’m nobody too…

And this nobody did want you…

Nobody listens, nobody cares, nobody pays attention to the hearts bleeding red…

Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody’s around when the soul finally leaves…

I know I’m nobody just like you, but you seem to be lost in your nobody zoo….

Nobody’s here, nobody’s there, but the more I seek the more I find nobody’s everywhere.

This nobody is okay, with nobody to hear, the nobody to share, the nobody whi cares.

Fourth of July

As I sat this evening watching our towns fireworks display with my 3 yr old son Ej.   I found myself reflecting on so many aspects of my life and what life is to me. It’s sort of funny because on many levels I hate all holiday’s for one reason or another and for that simple fact, I had no problem pretty much making them non existent in my world. I don’t know if that bothers my older kids, I guess maybe I should ask. But now that I have Ej, I have to be honest in saying that, with my recent acceptance of all things Mari I am, on some level “okay” with allowing bits of the celebratory things “in” just for the memories! Don’t get me wrong, I still hate  pretty much all of them and wish they weren’t so “forced” upon EVERYONE! But, after being stripped of my older children by a bitter, angry, lying and manipulative ex and losing half their lives, milestones and memories….now that I have the little one I find myself cherishing every single second chance.

As for the 4th of July, I found that a I have only a few memories. From the time I was 7 yrs old until I was 12 I flew to see my dad and spent the summers with him. I loved those times, I remember us driving around and going to the firework stands and him letting me pick out what seemed to me to be A LOT of fireworks. Then us going back to his townhouse and watching him bustle around the grill on the back porch and in the kitchen prepping the meat about to go on the grill. I recall a few of his close friends or girlfriend being there and then as the night grew dark my dad lighting the fireworks. I would beg and plead for him to let me light some but he was always cautious about my safety, but of course he’d pull out the sparklers and that always made me happy.

Honestly, I have no other memories of celebrating the 4th from my childhood. I find that a little bit strange. I’m not sure why, but it kind of bothers me. I guess because around the time I turned 13 my mom sent me to live with my dad and after about 8 months I went back to my mother. And after that, my dad pretty much stopped all contact with me. I only saw him once after that while I was a teen and have only seen him maybe 3 times for less than an hour each time since then. My life probably would have been A LOT better and completely DIFFERENT had I just stayed there with him. But what did I know, I was a 13 yr old who had been abused and felt terrified of change!

Anyhow, the other thing I found myself reflecting on was the music that was playing during this years display; “Star Spangled Banner” well at least the first song and truly the only one I actually heard. Anyway, it’s funny because as I was growing up I remember having so much love, respect and PRIDE in our country! I know 100% what the 4th is a celebration of. Growing up my “step-dad” was Air-force and then I married a Sailor, even though I SHOULD have joined the Air-force instead, but I digress! I love and respect our soldiers! If it weren’t for them we would not have the precious freedoms we have and enjoy today. The very ones our government is slowly stripping us of but again, another story.

As the Star Spangled Banner played, tears started to well up in my eyes. Partly because I AM proud and thankful, because I know that this is a great country. Despite the pitiful  excuses for human beings we have elected that are desecrating our constitution ever so slowly with the help of the  unwitting AND witting!  Because I do know and understand there are still countries whose people would give anything to have half the luxuries that we take for granted every day! Because I see things the way they truly are, without the rose colored glasses. Because I truly am the 99%, because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon or a rich daddy or a trust-fund! Instead I was born to an immigrant mother who came here with a dream, and a dad who checked out when I needed a dad the most. And now, I have 2 grown sons, 2 near grown daughters and my Ej….

Who also don’t have any of the aforementioned luxuries that 2% of Americans have, I am disabled by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I fight it as best as I can. It’s always seemed that I’ve had this black cloud that just follows me where ever I go, it doesn’t matter how good of a person I am, it doesn’t matter that I have a heart of gold, that I’d give my last to save someone else. It doesn’t matter that even through all the crappy things that have happened in my life I didn’t end up a drug addict/prostitute/murderer or what have you. I did the complete opposite, I didn’t do drugs, kill people or rob banks! I went to school and tried to raise my children, to be good loving, productive, respectful PEOPLE! But tonight, I found myself reflecting on… “what will they get”? “what will they inherit”? “what will their children inherit”?…..”if everyone just keeps on this path of blame the other guy” and “micromanage our neighbor” attitudes, dear heavens what will they get? I can tell you, I’m terrified of the answers that come to mind. I don’t know what I can do to change any of it, but I can do something to help change it or at least die trying! But that’s what I came to conclude this 4th of July, that I do love my freedoms and my children’s FUTURES enough to want to DO something to help make a difference! I hope you do too!

Happy 4th  and a HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN out there! I love you all and respect you for giving so much for those of us who you have and will probably never met! And of course to those that have lost their lives fighting for us and their loved ones as well! You are missed and loved! ❤

Love, peace and Freedom!

Good Night…..


The words I heard,…still resound like a gong,  they reverberate continuously through the hallways and tunnels in my mind….echoing and reminding me of his promise, “I can Teach you how to fly” sky high, to the heaves and then some those words take me.

Set me to longing, waiting, anticipating, for you….

To hear those words “I can teach you how to fly, sky high, sky high, I can teach you how to fly” those words, so promising, so sure.

I feel the confidence radiate from those words, I feed off your wisdom, I thirst for your guidance.

“Spread your wings and aim for the sky” you say like a melody that plays so symphonious and euphorically….

But here is where I stand, feet on the ledge, I need you, I need you to teach me, take my hand….pull me beneath your wings and teach me to fly, spread my wings and aim for the sky.

Together we will soar to new heights, new dreams, together we will view the entire universe,  when “you teach me how to fly, sky high, sky, high, spread your wings and aim for the sky” Together we will conquer the world from the heavenly sky.


It’s so easy to think we know it all, understand everything, have it all figured out. Then we blink…. and 5, 8, 10 years later, we look back and realize everything we thought we knew then….looks so different now. Has a whole new meaning, outcome or answer. Life is funny that way.


Missing Blogger

I know I’ve been quite absent the last month or so. Although I have had a bit of a rough bout with writers block, I’ve also kinda had some things going on that add to the block! I’ve had to take on a new doctor and his office is clear on the other side of the city and that takes an entire day for my twice a week appts. Talk about a pain! sheesh!

Then there is my mom, she was in Mexico for 6 months during the winter and not even a week after she gets back she is so sick she had to be hospitalized! So I had to be there of course, she’s my mommy and I’m her only child, and I love he,r so I needed to be there. 🙂  She seems to be recovering well and so I’m hoping for the best and that she will be back to 100% soon!

Then we have all the crazy ass storms that have continued to roll through and keep us all wet and worried! Rain, Hail, Tornado’s oh my! I’ve had about enough of the insane weather, I’m ready for it to blow somewhere else! I love the rain and try not to complain about it as this time last year the entire state was on fire!

Well, I have been bouncing around some creative ideas so I am hoping things will calm down a bit and I can focus on them soon!

Good night

Obama and Conspiracy Theories

So last night,  my dad (who hates Obama I might add…*no comment*) says “did you know Obama is Bi” *let me add, this ‘discussion’ steamed from the anti-gay marriage bs in the news* so my reply was “No, I didn’t…but if he is, OKAY…who cares, what’s your point”? So anyhow, I was just “researching” this little/HUGE RUMOR and so far all I’ve come up with is some ridiculous conspiracy theory because 2 people in CHICAGO were “shot execution style” that at some point knew Obama (Dude, I’m from Chicago! Does the words GANGS AND DRUGS mean anything to you?) and A… *YES ONE*, pic of Obama sitting on a couch next to another man… I’m sorry I wasn’t aware that sitting on a couch next to someone of the same sex makes you gay, FUCK I’ve been GAY FOR LIKE FOREVER THEN! smh, aye…I’m gonna have to blog this shit tomorrow, I just have too much to say about it! I’m not a huge Obama “fan” but come on, let’s stop with the bullshit!

The more I think about this, the more annoyed I get about it! Now, first of all let me just say, if you haven’t figured it out yet… I am 100% PRO GLBT, I think anyone should be FREE to love and marry whomever they want as long as it is 2 CONSENTING,  LEGAL, ADULT, HUMANS!  And I might add it is sad that anyone has brought such stupid and ridiculous claims and arguments into this subject that it is even necessary to be so SPECIFIC and have to spell it out! I mean I saw the coverage of the fucking idiot Dr. Daniel Heimbech of the Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary saying that “if we legalize gay marriage people will think it’s okay to marry their dog or an ice cream cone”, I mean REALLY? FUCKING REALLY? Seriously… don’t get me wrong, I know oh too well how fucking stupid our country has become, hell I watch “FAUX NEWS” at times just like everyone else! And let’s not forget reality TV like oh I dunno “Jersey Shore”! But I’m pretty certain that most of us NORMAL or even semi-normal people of America can grasp the concept that while it’s OKAY for 2 men or 2 women to love each other and enter into a LEGAL and CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIP, IE MARRIAGE it is NOT OKAY for Jim Bob to sexually assault his goat and/or marry it!  I mean seriously if this is what this country has really come to then we are in a shit load more trouble than anyone cares to admit! And I’ve also heard about some freaking idiot (I think in Cali.) who claims because him and his UNDERAGE lover are gay it somehow makes it NOT pedophilia and ILLEGAL! Ummm hey buddy, gay or straight having SEX with a MINOR is sick and ILLEGAL!

Okay, back to the Obama drama. Now like I said earlier, 2 men who supposedly knew Pres. Obama were said to have been murdered, execution style….and it is ‘RUMORED’ that supposedly they may have been killed to “keep the secret” from being leaked. I might add that it is kind of funny to me that the original “story” was picked up by none other than gossip rag “THE GLOBE”! Which first and foremost makes me disbelieve the entire story from jump! But lets just delve into it shall we…1st of all were talking about Chicago! And I am from Chicago, I can tell you first had stories about growing up in the city, the gangs the drugs. So, ANYONE being killed execution style is definitely not a RARE occurrence by far! And I won’t even get into any race statistic’s here!

Now 2nd if we are gonna talk conspiracy theories, let’s take it the whole other direction! So we already know how corrupt our political system is, we already know there are some who despise Barak Obama and would do anything to ruin him… what IF, those people tried to pay or force/blackmail those 2 men… but they refused, and because they refused they executed them and then started this story/rumor of how the President had “gay” secret relationships and isn’t is “funny” how now those men are now dead? (I think this is about is far fetched as the original story, either could be true as much as neither could be true!) Oh and I might add here that supposedly there was a 3rd man involved in all of this but he supposedly died of complications of HIV. I intentionally didn’t involve the 3rd because there is just no “conspiracy” story that can be argued in his case, I mean I’m sure my very vivid imagination could come up with a very colorful story but it would really be pointless.

And lastly we have this provocative picture of a younger Obama sitting next to …..another man….on a couch! Holy shit! Wait, of course they are naked, wait no they aren’t! Of course they are holding hands, NOPE….kissing? NEGATIVE! So, ummm it’s just a pic of 2 guys sitting on a couch? YEP! Shit, I always knew I was gay! Geez, I wish I would have known sooner that sitting next to the same sex person on a couch makes you GAY! I could have avoided 1 HORRIBLE marriage and countless failed relationships with MEN! WTF!!! Hey, I’m gonna need you people out there to let me know the rules of life here, because obviously I am completely fucking oblivious!

I honestly just find this whole discussion absurd as hell! Why on earth does anyone care who Obama, or anyone else for that matter is sleeping with? Gay, Bi or Straight??? How does this affect or effect YOUR LIVES? Simple, IT DOESN’T! And furthermore, for those who like to drag their religion into it and refer to “the bible”….SO FUCKING WHAT…. again I ask, how does it affect or effect YOU PERSONALLY? Let’s just say I’m gay, for the sake of argument, and I die tomorrow. I get to the pearly gates and behold, holy fucking shit there IS a “GOD” are YOU coming with me, are YOU gonna stand there and be judged over MY choices, MY “SIN”? No! You will still be here living your hypocritical, pathetic, condemning lives!


Love is over rated, fairy tales are books, life is a box of chocolates, live for today, u might not get tomorrow!

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