To me, anymore….sex, love and confusion go hand in hand! I’ve been single for 2 yrs now…no dating, no sex, no booty calls….nada! And, I’ve been happy! After an extremely treacherous and destructive relationship, I was broken and very nearly consumed within that relationship and when I walked away I had no desire at all to continue living or breathing, let alone trusting anyone ever again!

On some level I can say I still love that person, I gave my entire being to him, withheld nothing…which I had never done with another person.  Thus, I crawled into myself and focused on healing, learning and loving myself again. And I’m so thankful I did that!

I’ve grown so much, learned once again to love who I am, to realize it’s okay to express my thoughts, fears, anxiety’s and opinions. I learned to set higher standards, to rely on my past experiences to tip me off when things aren’t quite right. And I also realized that no one should invest their entire being in another imperfect being!

But now that I’ve come to this point, I find myself in a sea of confusion of sorts! I’ve attempted to “start dating” again… using the online dating sites, setting up profiles and just being honest and real. But for the most part I’m realizing people don’t like either! lol! Or maybe it’s just the types that are on those sites that don’t. But what I am getting at is, I’ve had zero luck really with any of the dating sites. And I must say, I’m not at all heart-broken or anything, I’m just humored.

If you have read my previous blogs, you’ve most likely read that I went on a date with a somewhat local “celeb” which was the result of a charity auction, he is a wonderful guy and we have become friends since our date!

I’ve also met someone from twitter that I connect with on an intellectual level and I wholeheartedly enjoy conversing with him! We have tons of things in common and have become fast friends, which is absolutely wonderful!

I always cherish true and amazing friendships!

But lets face it, I’m talking about Sex, love and confusion here! And it is said that women are “emotional” and men are “physical”…. and I’ve read so many psych books that say “us” women confuse sex and love….well, I can honestly say I don’t necessarily buy that shit! I don’t think we “confuse” it at all…I think when we have sex, we are “giving” ourselves to the man…(I do however realize there are women out there that don’t feel this way)… But as much as we don’t want to relate sex and love, for us it almost goes hand in hand. Or maybe for me, I don’t know.

When I “chose” to have sex with someone, it’s because I “feel” something (no pun intended) for that person. I’m drawn to them somehow. I wish very often I could change that and be more like a guy, to just not care if I “like” the person and simply DO it for my own gratification, to fill the urge of pleasure!

But no matter how much I try to convince myself that is what I will do from now on…it just doesn’t work that way! Instead, I want more! Not from someone else, but MORE of that person. My mind just relentlessly continues to reply the sexual encounter, and then triggers the desire, the need for more!

Then, is it just me that forms a bond with someone when sharing such a intimate, animalistic, carnal act with another human being! For me the basic act of having sex isn’t even an option  unless there is some form of trust and attraction! If I don’t trust you and I’m not attracted to you on some level, I’m NOT sleeping with you!

I don’t know, thus the confusion… Not to mention, part of me really wants to connect with someone and commit to a loving, healthy relationship! And the other part of me…the non-trusting, still bruised part of me…and okay maybe the freak in me too lol, wants to just have fun, to just satisfy my own selfish needs and desires!

But then of course you have the bullshit double standard that if a girl sleeps around she’s a slut but if a guy does it he’s a stud! Not that I’ve ever really cared what anyone thinks or says about me, but at this point in my life I feel like I’ve been the “good girl”…..the “relationship girl” all my life, maybe it’s time to just get my groove back!

I’m not saying I want to screw every guy I meet, but seriously….if there is chemistry and we are both responsible, consenting adults….why the hell not? Right?

I really have no idea!

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