Archive for July, 2012

The REAL issues are ignored

People, People,  PLEASE stop with the “comparing” and “correlations” between monsters/killers! Realize GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE! Stupid, rage filled, maniac’s KILL people! They could have done it with a knife, a bomb, a blunt object, a crossbow…. or countless other ways! It’s not our “right to bare arms” that needs to be changed, it’s MUCH, MUCH deeper than that!

It’s our parenting or lack there of (tell your child NO sometimes! Stop letting them THINK they are the parent! Stop being AFRAID to DISCIPLINE out of fear of DHS! No child ever DIED from crying and there is a CLEAR LINE between DISCIPLINE and ABUSE, STOP being you kids FRIEND! YOU are their PARENT FIRST! Take a freaking PARENTING CLASS for damn sake!

Our lack of tolerance, our governments control of prosperity, our total failure as a NATION to stand TOGETHER and DEMAND better for those of us who WORK at LIFE….the COMMON people! Our complete abandonment of EMPATHY!

And, the mass concentration on a contradictory, egomaniacal and irrational, not to mention nonsensical belief system! Ugh, but I know you don’t hear me! I’m simply a voice in the middle of a massive, raging ocean!

But I will say this, if someone breaks into your home in the middle of the night, has a weapon and is a threat of harm to your child/ren or partner….don’t you want to be ABLE to own a weapon that just might save all of your lives? Since of course, no one is really looking to “FIX” the REAL problems of our country!?

 I know I do….if someone broke into my home and was a threat to my life or that of MY CHILDREN, I definitely want to continue to lawfully own a gun for their protection as well as my own! And there is not a damn thing wrong with a person protecting their family, life, home or business!

A gun in a drawer can’t KILL anyone! But ANY weapon in the hands of a lunatic can! Maybe we should be focused on the process’s involved in applying for a gun licence, like an IQ or stability test, safety classes, anger management classes. There truly are other very good options that could be implemented!

Let’s actually focus on that, rather than what we have been focusing on!


It’s quiet but the sounds in my head never seem to rest…..
I need to scream, I need to whisper I need to sing, I need to cry….why

Spiritual Roots

Over the last few months I’ve been soul searching and striving to understand what I feel deep in my inner self. I am fully aware of all I’ve learned in different religions and while I love and respect most of the basis of religions in general, I tend to pull away from the things that I feel are someones attempt at forming a thought or opinion. I’ve always felt more like a spiritual heart, I see love and life in everything. I cherish and respect the world as my teacher. Since I was a young girl I’ve felt some odd connection to things that I still to this day explain.

So I have come to the decision to delve back into my ‘roots’ as it were of spirituality and seek out the wisdom of the old “religions” before Christianity and find my purpose. I know I have gifts that I have no idea how to use, I also have gifts that I know how to use but have tried very hard to ignore them. It is my time. I need to focus and regain myself. I lost so much of me when I lost what I loved. And I gained some things that to be quite honest aren’t all that great! I have so much to give, and I live to share it all! I have always felt that desperation in my soul, the need to give, share, love, heal…. it is time! Maybe then my life will be in order and aligned for the beautiful things I deserve.

Blessed Be.

You say nobody wants you but you know this isn’t quite true…..

You try and try to keep them at bay, pissin em off and sending em away…

You say you’re nobody, but I’m nobody too…

And this nobody did want you…

Nobody listens, nobody cares, nobody pays attention to the hearts bleeding red…

Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody’s around when the soul finally leaves…

I know I’m nobody just like you, but you seem to be lost in your nobody zoo….

Nobody’s here, nobody’s there, but the more I seek the more I find nobody’s everywhere.

This nobody is okay, with nobody to hear, the nobody to share, the nobody whi cares.

Fourth of July

As I sat this evening watching our towns fireworks display with my 3 yr old son Ej.   I found myself reflecting on so many aspects of my life and what life is to me. It’s sort of funny because on many levels I hate all holiday’s for one reason or another and for that simple fact, I had no problem pretty much making them non existent in my world. I don’t know if that bothers my older kids, I guess maybe I should ask. But now that I have Ej, I have to be honest in saying that, with my recent acceptance of all things Mari I am, on some level “okay” with allowing bits of the celebratory things “in” just for the memories! Don’t get me wrong, I still hate  pretty much all of them and wish they weren’t so “forced” upon EVERYONE! But, after being stripped of my older children by a bitter, angry, lying and manipulative ex and losing half their lives, milestones and memories….now that I have the little one I find myself cherishing every single second chance.

As for the 4th of July, I found that a I have only a few memories. From the time I was 7 yrs old until I was 12 I flew to see my dad and spent the summers with him. I loved those times, I remember us driving around and going to the firework stands and him letting me pick out what seemed to me to be A LOT of fireworks. Then us going back to his townhouse and watching him bustle around the grill on the back porch and in the kitchen prepping the meat about to go on the grill. I recall a few of his close friends or girlfriend being there and then as the night grew dark my dad lighting the fireworks. I would beg and plead for him to let me light some but he was always cautious about my safety, but of course he’d pull out the sparklers and that always made me happy.

Honestly, I have no other memories of celebrating the 4th from my childhood. I find that a little bit strange. I’m not sure why, but it kind of bothers me. I guess because around the time I turned 13 my mom sent me to live with my dad and after about 8 months I went back to my mother. And after that, my dad pretty much stopped all contact with me. I only saw him once after that while I was a teen and have only seen him maybe 3 times for less than an hour each time since then. My life probably would have been A LOT better and completely DIFFERENT had I just stayed there with him. But what did I know, I was a 13 yr old who had been abused and felt terrified of change!

Anyhow, the other thing I found myself reflecting on was the music that was playing during this years display; “Star Spangled Banner” well at least the first song and truly the only one I actually heard. Anyway, it’s funny because as I was growing up I remember having so much love, respect and PRIDE in our country! I know 100% what the 4th is a celebration of. Growing up my “step-dad” was Air-force and then I married a Sailor, even though I SHOULD have joined the Air-force instead, but I digress! I love and respect our soldiers! If it weren’t for them we would not have the precious freedoms we have and enjoy today. The very ones our government is slowly stripping us of but again, another story.

As the Star Spangled Banner played, tears started to well up in my eyes. Partly because I AM proud and thankful, because I know that this is a great country. Despite the pitiful  excuses for human beings we have elected that are desecrating our constitution ever so slowly with the help of the  unwitting AND witting!  Because I do know and understand there are still countries whose people would give anything to have half the luxuries that we take for granted every day! Because I see things the way they truly are, without the rose colored glasses. Because I truly am the 99%, because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon or a rich daddy or a trust-fund! Instead I was born to an immigrant mother who came here with a dream, and a dad who checked out when I needed a dad the most. And now, I have 2 grown sons, 2 near grown daughters and my Ej….

Who also don’t have any of the aforementioned luxuries that 2% of Americans have, I am disabled by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I fight it as best as I can. It’s always seemed that I’ve had this black cloud that just follows me where ever I go, it doesn’t matter how good of a person I am, it doesn’t matter that I have a heart of gold, that I’d give my last to save someone else. It doesn’t matter that even through all the crappy things that have happened in my life I didn’t end up a drug addict/prostitute/murderer or what have you. I did the complete opposite, I didn’t do drugs, kill people or rob banks! I went to school and tried to raise my children, to be good loving, productive, respectful PEOPLE! But tonight, I found myself reflecting on… “what will they get”? “what will they inherit”? “what will their children inherit”?…..”if everyone just keeps on this path of blame the other guy” and “micromanage our neighbor” attitudes, dear heavens what will they get? I can tell you, I’m terrified of the answers that come to mind. I don’t know what I can do to change any of it, but I can do something to help change it or at least die trying! But that’s what I came to conclude this 4th of July, that I do love my freedoms and my children’s FUTURES enough to want to DO something to help make a difference! I hope you do too!

Happy 4th  and a HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN out there! I love you all and respect you for giving so much for those of us who you have and will probably never met! And of course to those that have lost their lives fighting for us and their loved ones as well! You are missed and loved! ❤

Love, peace and Freedom!

Good Night…..


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