Category: Love and Happiness


Wisdom

Love is over rated, fairy tales are books, life is a box of chocolates, live for today, u might not get tomorrow!

To me, anymore….sex, love and confusion go hand in hand! I’ve been single for 2 yrs now…no dating, no sex, no booty calls….nada! And, I’ve been happy! After an extremely treacherous and destructive relationship, I was broken and very nearly consumed within that relationship and when I walked away I had no desire at all to continue living or breathing, let alone trusting anyone ever again!

On some level I can say I still love that person, I gave my entire being to him, withheld nothing…which I had never done with another person.  Thus, I crawled into myself and focused on healing, learning and loving myself again. And I’m so thankful I did that!

I’ve grown so much, learned once again to love who I am, to realize it’s okay to express my thoughts, fears, anxiety’s and opinions. I learned to set higher standards, to rely on my past experiences to tip me off when things aren’t quite right. And I also realized that no one should invest their entire being in another imperfect being!

But now that I’ve come to this point, I find myself in a sea of confusion of sorts! I’ve attempted to “start dating” again… using the online dating sites, setting up profiles and just being honest and real. But for the most part I’m realizing people don’t like either! lol! Or maybe it’s just the types that are on those sites that don’t. But what I am getting at is, I’ve had zero luck really with any of the dating sites. And I must say, I’m not at all heart-broken or anything, I’m just humored.

If you have read my previous blogs, you’ve most likely read that I went on a date with a somewhat local “celeb” which was the result of a charity auction, he is a wonderful guy and we have become friends since our date!

I’ve also met someone from twitter that I connect with on an intellectual level and I wholeheartedly enjoy conversing with him! We have tons of things in common and have become fast friends, which is absolutely wonderful!

I always cherish true and amazing friendships!

But lets face it, I’m talking about Sex, love and confusion here! And it is said that women are “emotional” and men are “physical”…. and I’ve read so many psych books that say “us” women confuse sex and love….well, I can honestly say I don’t necessarily buy that shit! I don’t think we “confuse” it at all…I think when we have sex, we are “giving” ourselves to the man…(I do however realize there are women out there that don’t feel this way)… But as much as we don’t want to relate sex and love, for us it almost goes hand in hand. Or maybe for me, I don’t know.

When I “chose” to have sex with someone, it’s because I “feel” something (no pun intended) for that person. I’m drawn to them somehow. I wish very often I could change that and be more like a guy, to just not care if I “like” the person and simply DO it for my own gratification, to fill the urge of pleasure!

But no matter how much I try to convince myself that is what I will do from now on…it just doesn’t work that way! Instead, I want more! Not from someone else, but MORE of that person. My mind just relentlessly continues to reply the sexual encounter, and then triggers the desire, the need for more!

Then, is it just me that forms a bond with someone when sharing such a intimate, animalistic, carnal act with another human being! For me the basic act of having sex isn’t even an option  unless there is some form of trust and attraction! If I don’t trust you and I’m not attracted to you on some level, I’m NOT sleeping with you!

I don’t know, thus the confusion… Not to mention, part of me really wants to connect with someone and commit to a loving, healthy relationship! And the other part of me…the non-trusting, still bruised part of me…and okay maybe the freak in me too lol, wants to just have fun, to just satisfy my own selfish needs and desires!

But then of course you have the bullshit double standard that if a girl sleeps around she’s a slut but if a guy does it he’s a stud! Not that I’ve ever really cared what anyone thinks or says about me, but at this point in my life I feel like I’ve been the “good girl”…..the “relationship girl” all my life, maybe it’s time to just get my groove back!

I’m not saying I want to screw every guy I meet, but seriously….if there is chemistry and we are both responsible, consenting adults….why the hell not? Right?

I really have no idea!

Today I promise….
To be open
To be honest
To let you love me!
Today I promise….
To hold your hand
To stand by your side
To let you love me!
Today I promise…
To not be afraid
To not fight my feelings
To let you love me!
Today I promise….
To cherish every moment
To count every kiss
To let you love me!
Today I promise….
To enjoy your smile
To feel it’s warmth
To let you love me!
Today…..I promise!
For I can not change yesterday, and tomorrow will soon be….. Today!

I want to wear your essence like a coat on a winters day
I want to breathe your energy like a flower takes in the rain
I want to hear your soul like a bird rides the wind
I want to taste your presense like an ocean devours the sands.

Still a work in progress…

Although it may seem odd or even rude to admit,
Before I met you,
You weren’t even a blip…
On my radar of life, I had no clue.
Not a inkling, not a notion.
It was pure chance that I was there,
Pure fate that had me pay that fare.
While others follow and manipulate
Just longing for the ride,
I came along and landed me at your side.
I knew nothing about you,
Yet I saw something rare.
That beautiful light shining there.
The way you listen… and apply what you hear.
How you teach without direction,
And touch without affection.
The raw openneess you offered siletly, subconsciously.
You see…I love your heart,  I don’t care who you are,
Who you were,
Who you will be…
I love your heart,
For it will forever be.

This world…This life….
What if, there is no tomorrow?
I want to dance in the rain…
Sing to the sea…
Fly with the wind,
And live 2 your beat!

My date with Jabee

"Start of our Date"

Bachelor Date Jabee

As it turns out, this date was just what I needed to reaffirm my self-esteem, my confidence and my JOY! I realized a while ago that I had lost something within and in-order to feel like I still had it or had reattained it, I invested everything in someone else. Not only is that too much to put on another person and unfair but is only a set up when the other person is not even capable of loving themselves. But, I’ll save that for another entry. For now I’ll focus on what an amazing night I had with an extremely talented, caring, down to earth, intelligent and gentle man!
For those who don’t know, Jabee Williams is an amazing artist, he is an award-winning national independent recording artist and all around inspiration! He dedicates his time to mentoring local youths and cares deeply for the community! He was approached and asked to be part of a benefit to raise money for the YWCA of OKC, reluctantly he agreed. Which set the stage. The funny thing is, while on our date I asked him about how he ended up on the “Bachelor Auction Block” and during our conversation about it I realized we both had the first initial thoughts about it. Not to be racist by any means but it’s just kinda weird at first to think about a black man “up for auction” but nevertheless I’m so glad he agreed… AND that I won!
Anyhow, so my day started off with me waking up late and arriving to my hair appointment late. I only had a half-assed mental picture as to what I wanted and so basically I said “I want to be comfortable” and “I was thinking semi-messy-updo” and the stylist repeated what I said and says “umm okay! I think I got it, I won’t let you down”! Lol! So I pulled out my phone and googled a pic of something near what I was trying to describe and she went to work. Luckily, what I wanted was not detailed and kinda thrown together so she had a lot of room to work with! And honestly I wanted that type of style not just because it fit what our date plans were, sorta casual yet still elegant. But also because that’s kinda the type of chic I am, I’m rough yet beautiful and I tend to think everything should just kinda fit… including my hair! Anyway, when she was done, it was perfect! By the way, I went to the Paul Mitchell school here in Norman because I had been there before and had a great experience, and I was once again impressed by the talent and care from the student hairdressers there. Once my hair was done I still had to find something to wear, that’s right I still hadn’t picked out what I was going to wear on my date until about 2 hours before! Don’t judge me!

So I went to a few stores before I found 3 different outfits that I liked, but couldn’t decide which one I was gonna wear. So I bought all 3 and took them home for help deciding and finally came up with “the one”! I got dressed, fixed my makeup and was ready! I knew he was close since we were texting the whole time and the minute the limo hit Norman I was in full anxiety mode! I watched as they pulled up and the driver got out to open the limo door for Jabee. He came to the door and presented me with the most beautiful bouquet of roses I’ve ever been given, I was so surprised and elated to get such a beautiful arrangement of not 1 but 2 dozen roses! Absolutely breathtaking, I only wish they would live forever!
I introduced him to everyone, as they were all just as excited as I was… but for me. And then we walked to the limo, took a few photo op’s and he opened the door, helped me in and we were off……

Our Limo

To be continued…..

So this is the continuation of my date Jabee. So we get into the limo and started to drive off and JB instructed our driver Heuyston who was a very nice guy I must add, to where we were heading, but at this point we realized that you were very late to part of our date which was a flash mob that Jabee was to be in. So we decided that we were going to go to the studio first and put together our song and sing it, record it and save it. So the studio we used  778 was in Midwest city, Reggie who owns the studio is great guy, really sweet and even though he claims that doesn’t have a nice voice he does and is very talented. We started going through different beats and they left it up to me to choose the one I like but Jabee and I liked the same beat so we decided on that one. From there it got kind of comical, at that point they were trying to get me to sing,  just randomly think of words and sing to the new beat! well unfortunately for me I have performance anxiety so it’s very hard for me to be put on the spot and asked to sing in front of people in that type of setting so as I always do I reverted to using comedy in order to make things easier for me. So I started cutting jokes and making everyone laugh to ease my tension while I fumbled through my cell phone for an Adele song that I could sing for them. I found the song that I wanted to sing  on my phone and as it started playing I started singing,  I just closed my eyes and put all of my emotions into the song and as far as I knew it came out great so I stopped. And when opened my eyes and looked up, they all told me how great of a voice I have and even our driver Heuyston said that my voice is beautiful and that I needed to get in the booth. So I go into the booth to get it together and as I’m in there we decide what  my lyrics are going to be for our song and it was pretty hysterical because I had to repeatedly go over and over and over it, it was like hearing a director scream cut in the middle of every scene because I kept screwing it all up, but I did manage to put it  together and find some rhythm and get my part done. Then I came out of the booth and Jabee went in, at which point I was in complete and utter awe of Jabee! The raw talent and magical flow of what he does, is, it’s beyond inspiring it’s amazing!! Umm in the about 30 min. it took me to complete my part of our song he wrote (in his head, not on paper)  probably most of what he was going to say well maybe that’s going too far I think maybe he wrote half in his head  and when he went into the booth and Reggie started to play the beat, he closed his eyes and steps to  the Mic and it was just pure talent that came flowing out,  it all made sense it all fit, then he stopped he asked Reggie to start again and he clarified things with me and then he went right back at it and he added the second half just laid it all out, with bits for our conversation on the way there and little things we had just spoken about, he just opened his mouth and it all just came out so perfectly.  I can’t stress enough just how amazing watching him was. I will attempt to upload our song and attach it here or at least put a link to it. I just ask that you please be kind about it because like I said, I have my own prejudgments of myself, I admit I’m not Brittney nor do I wanna be. I’ve been singing since I was a little girl but also smoked for many years as well. I’ve never sung professionally and most of my issue is and has always been being afraid of critics and as most people I am my own worst critic. Anyhow to end that part of the date we were in the studio for about two and half hours I guess  and it was amazing! I had so much fun and I think Jabee had fun and I think Reggie and Heuyston had fun too. I was cutting up as always,  you know I had jokes for everybody and everything, When I was in the booth you know, I was making them laugh-at one point and asked Jabee if he likes girls that curse like sailors and the funny thing was he didn’t even get my reference so he goes “no, um, not really” and everyone started laughing. But that was the jist of our studio time so both of us received copies of our song and we headed downstairs and Jabee was a complete gentleman he held my hand and helped me down all the stairs to make sure I didn’t fall and kill myself because we all know that I can’t walk and I’m a big ole klutz! And so we got back to the limo and Heuyston open the door and Jabee helped me in then he got in after me and we started towards Nonna’s Ristorante & Bar which is in Downtown Oklahoma City also known as Bricktown we pulled up in front of the restaurant and Heuyston got out and opened our door and help us out of the limo, we walked in to the restaurant and we are greeted very nicely and Jabee let them know that we had reservations. So we were escorted up stairs and seated at a beautiful table in front of a huge window that overlooked part of Bricktown! It was beautiful inside and a few people came over because they knew of Jabee, they exchanged a few fan type greetings and then we sat down to look over the menu and order. First we ordered our drinks and appetizers he ordered the Stuffed Mushroom Florentine and I ordered the Speidini and we ended up sharing our appetizers. As for our meals we both ordered the chicken ratatouille which is Layers of seasoned vegetables baked with spinach and herbed goat cheese ~ finished with a touch of Nonna’s Marinara and was absolutely delicious. While we ate dinner we sat and conversed, shared some personal history and experiences. We talked about things at the studio and we also watched the thunder game that was on on the big screen TVs and then after dinner we moved over to the more comfortable couch seats and ordered dessert,  he ordered the chocolate cream pie and I ordered the crème brûlée.  Both were phenomenal by the way and we sat on the couch a little closer to each other and  just talked a little bit before we decided it was time to go. At which point we walked back downstairs and Jabee helped me downstairs again and we got back into the limo and headed back to Norman. During the limo ride back to Norman we got a little cozy Jabee got more comfortable with me and  leaned over onto my arm and I laid my head onto his and we just talked about random things, seeing each other again, how beautiful our city is and how tired we were. I realize at this point it sounds a little bit boring but it’s kind of hard for me to figure out how much to share and how much not to share so for me the generalization of the date is just much easier because at this point I’m still a little unsure as to where we were as far as feeling the date or each other.  I know we were both very comfortable and we discussed that and were thankful that we ended up on a date together because of that exact reason; that we are comfortable with each other and okay with being who we are, and not expected to act like someone else.  We are both very excepting people so instead of the awkwardness,  it kind of just clicked. And you know,  at dinner when we were talking, we talked about our families and our children and compatibility and things of that nature,  why we were/are single why we have been single and how long we’d been single all those types of things. You know all the stuff people talk about on a typical date.  And the best way I can sum it up is that it was a fantastic date and that I think Jabee is an awesome, sexy and extremely talented man!  I adore him and I would love to see him again if he felt the same way.  I think we had a great time although I can say it may have been because he was nervous, but if not then I’m a little bit of an opposite which can sometimes be good because I am humors, I’m always laughing and making jokes,  the light of the party, I  keep things interesting and he’s kind of quiet and laid back and more reserved but I guess we will see how things turn out. One last thing I do know from this whole experience is that I’m ready!  I am ready to find love, I am ready to go through all the bad apples that I need to in order to find the one good apple because I know I deserve it because for once in my life in a very long time I am happy,  I’m happy being alone per se,  I am happy with where I’m at in life and I’m just fine, I’m chillin, enjoying being ME, whether single or attached to someone or what ever I’m seriously just happy and content being ME. So enough with the rambling, that was my date with the extremely talented Jabee Williams, whom I adore and I still talk to and I hope he reads this and I hope he laughs and I hope he knows that I wish him the very very best because I do honestly believe that he is so very talented and I hope he knows that if he was serious about hanging out with me again and  going back to the studio or whatever I’d be more than thrilled! I’d be more than okay with hanging out doing nothing, who knows maybe he’ll be the one to get me over my performance anxiety but I guess we shall see. The last thought I’d like to leave you with is please remember that the whole start of this date experience was me going to a community function at Café Nova which is also a beautiful establishment they have great people who work there, it’s awesome and their DJ is great! The event that I attended was called Red Night and it was a benefit auction for the YWCA of OKC  the proceeds/ benefits supported the battered women of Oklahoma City. So if you find yourself able to attend some benefit auction or  benefit anything of any nature I would highly recommend that you go not only will you be supporting a good cause but just might find something in you that you lost or didn’t even know was there in the first place, that was my experience!  Thanks for reading and here’s to next time….Ta Ta….

Pre Date Jitters

So, tomorrow is the big date and of course I can’t sleep! I’ve managed to find everything possible to keep me awake, including talking to my friend Thomas on skype for at least an hour! Oh well, I’ll try again right after I attempt to download the iphone app for wordpress on to my iphone and the app for my droid onto my other phone. lol

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