Tag Archive: Love


Spiritual Roots

Over the last few months I’ve been soul searching and striving to understand what I feel deep in my inner self. I am fully aware of all I’ve learned in different religions and while I love and respect most of the basis of religions in general, I tend to pull away from the things that I feel are someones attempt at forming a thought or opinion. I’ve always felt more like a spiritual heart, I see love and life in everything. I cherish and respect the world as my teacher. Since I was a young girl I’ve felt some odd connection to things that I still to this day explain.

So I have come to the decision to delve back into my ‘roots’ as it were of spirituality and seek out the wisdom of the old “religions” before Christianity and find my purpose. I know I have gifts that I have no idea how to use, I also have gifts that I know how to use but have tried very hard to ignore them. It is my time. I need to focus and regain myself. I lost so much of me when I lost what I loved. And I gained some things that to be quite honest aren’t all that great! I have so much to give, and I live to share it all! I have always felt that desperation in my soul, the need to give, share, love, heal…. it is time! Maybe then my life will be in order and aligned for the beautiful things I deserve.

Blessed Be.

You say nobody wants you but you know this isn’t quite true…..

You try and try to keep them at bay, pissin em off and sending em away…

You say you’re nobody, but I’m nobody too…

And this nobody did want you…

Nobody listens, nobody cares, nobody pays attention to the hearts bleeding red…

Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody’s around when the soul finally leaves…

I know I’m nobody just like you, but you seem to be lost in your nobody zoo….

Nobody’s here, nobody’s there, but the more I seek the more I find nobody’s everywhere.

This nobody is okay, with nobody to hear, the nobody to share, the nobody whi cares.

Fourth of July

As I sat this evening watching our towns fireworks display with my 3 yr old son Ej.   I found myself reflecting on so many aspects of my life and what life is to me. It’s sort of funny because on many levels I hate all holiday’s for one reason or another and for that simple fact, I had no problem pretty much making them non existent in my world. I don’t know if that bothers my older kids, I guess maybe I should ask. But now that I have Ej, I have to be honest in saying that, with my recent acceptance of all things Mari I am, on some level “okay” with allowing bits of the celebratory things “in” just for the memories! Don’t get me wrong, I still hate  pretty much all of them and wish they weren’t so “forced” upon EVERYONE! But, after being stripped of my older children by a bitter, angry, lying and manipulative ex and losing half their lives, milestones and memories….now that I have the little one I find myself cherishing every single second chance.

As for the 4th of July, I found that a I have only a few memories. From the time I was 7 yrs old until I was 12 I flew to see my dad and spent the summers with him. I loved those times, I remember us driving around and going to the firework stands and him letting me pick out what seemed to me to be A LOT of fireworks. Then us going back to his townhouse and watching him bustle around the grill on the back porch and in the kitchen prepping the meat about to go on the grill. I recall a few of his close friends or girlfriend being there and then as the night grew dark my dad lighting the fireworks. I would beg and plead for him to let me light some but he was always cautious about my safety, but of course he’d pull out the sparklers and that always made me happy.

Honestly, I have no other memories of celebrating the 4th from my childhood. I find that a little bit strange. I’m not sure why, but it kind of bothers me. I guess because around the time I turned 13 my mom sent me to live with my dad and after about 8 months I went back to my mother. And after that, my dad pretty much stopped all contact with me. I only saw him once after that while I was a teen and have only seen him maybe 3 times for less than an hour each time since then. My life probably would have been A LOT better and completely DIFFERENT had I just stayed there with him. But what did I know, I was a 13 yr old who had been abused and felt terrified of change!

Anyhow, the other thing I found myself reflecting on was the music that was playing during this years display; “Star Spangled Banner” well at least the first song and truly the only one I actually heard. Anyway, it’s funny because as I was growing up I remember having so much love, respect and PRIDE in our country! I know 100% what the 4th is a celebration of. Growing up my “step-dad” was Air-force and then I married a Sailor, even though I SHOULD have joined the Air-force instead, but I digress! I love and respect our soldiers! If it weren’t for them we would not have the precious freedoms we have and enjoy today. The very ones our government is slowly stripping us of but again, another story.

As the Star Spangled Banner played, tears started to well up in my eyes. Partly because I AM proud and thankful, because I know that this is a great country. Despite the pitiful  excuses for human beings we have elected that are desecrating our constitution ever so slowly with the help of the  unwitting AND witting!  Because I do know and understand there are still countries whose people would give anything to have half the luxuries that we take for granted every day! Because I see things the way they truly are, without the rose colored glasses. Because I truly am the 99%, because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon or a rich daddy or a trust-fund! Instead I was born to an immigrant mother who came here with a dream, and a dad who checked out when I needed a dad the most. And now, I have 2 grown sons, 2 near grown daughters and my Ej….

Who also don’t have any of the aforementioned luxuries that 2% of Americans have, I am disabled by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I fight it as best as I can. It’s always seemed that I’ve had this black cloud that just follows me where ever I go, it doesn’t matter how good of a person I am, it doesn’t matter that I have a heart of gold, that I’d give my last to save someone else. It doesn’t matter that even through all the crappy things that have happened in my life I didn’t end up a drug addict/prostitute/murderer or what have you. I did the complete opposite, I didn’t do drugs, kill people or rob banks! I went to school and tried to raise my children, to be good loving, productive, respectful PEOPLE! But tonight, I found myself reflecting on… “what will they get”? “what will they inherit”? “what will their children inherit”?…..”if everyone just keeps on this path of blame the other guy” and “micromanage our neighbor” attitudes, dear heavens what will they get? I can tell you, I’m terrified of the answers that come to mind. I don’t know what I can do to change any of it, but I can do something to help change it or at least die trying! But that’s what I came to conclude this 4th of July, that I do love my freedoms and my children’s FUTURES enough to want to DO something to help make a difference! I hope you do too!

Happy 4th  and a HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN out there! I love you all and respect you for giving so much for those of us who you have and will probably never met! And of course to those that have lost their lives fighting for us and their loved ones as well! You are missed and loved! ❤

Love, peace and Freedom!

Good Night…..

Mari

Wisdom

Love is over rated, fairy tales are books, life is a box of chocolates, live for today, u might not get tomorrow!

Thoughts from dating….

Are there any decent, “normal” guys left out there? That can appreciate a curvy, intellectual, humorous woman? Who are not just looking to jump into ANY and as MANY beds as possible? That RESPECT women and don’t just view us as sexual objects? Hello, are you out there? Can you hear me?

I mean, come on guys, are there any that haven’t bought into this fake image of a photo-shopped, air brushed, malnutrition-ed, entertainment perpetuated woman? It seems as though there are not!

Are there guys out there that just respect a woman, that are not intimidated by intelligence? Confidence?

Or am I just a magnet for those that can’t see the nose despite their face? Am I wearing some large neon sign that flashes bright lights and reads “HEY, ASSHOLES AND DOUCHE BAGS WELCOME”? Because I’m here to tell you, you are NOT welcome! Not even slightly! And I will quickly tell you to take a long walk off a short and very high cliff!

I’d just like to know, at what point did so many men decide it is okay to do or say anything to get in a girls pants? Do you all not live in the same reality that I do?

The one where sexually transmitted diseases KILL! And unwanted pregnancies, unwanted BABIES are countless in every state?

As if there are not enough women out there that will freely give away their goodies at the first smile and “what’s up baby”.

Is it about the “game”? Is it about feeling triumphant, victorious even, for breaking down a woman’s guards and actually convincing her, to “trust” them….all in the name of getting some vajayjay!

Let me add that I’ve even encountered those that are “church” goers, who also use this “religion” facade in an attempt to gain brownie points! I’m here to tell you, in my opinion and experience, those are the worst offenders! And I’m far from over even sharing oxygen with those that fit this profile!

I’m not against everyone being consenting and responsible adults! I honestly believe us women have just as much right to sleep with whomever we want, IF we want. I don’t believe in that double standard bullshit that a guy is a stud if he sleeps around but a chic is a “slut” when she does it! I would just like to know, straight up, what your intentions are and be a willing party if I so choose to be!

The key words though are “consenting” and “responsible” and neither of which are an option is one party is lying just to get laid! And I haven’t even touched on the emotional repercussions involved! I’ll save that for another post.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are some really great guys out there! But being a single lady….who dates, it just amazes me just how many men are preying on women these days as well as expecting every woman to look like some barbie or cover girl model!

I hate to tell you guys, but real women come in all shapes, sizes, shades and some of us are pretty damn intelligent! You’re missing out!

Breathe

I cant breathe
No air
Im drowning
No air
Fighting
No air
Crying
No air
Hurting
No air
Sobbing
No air
Screaming
No air
Dying
No air
Stillness
No air

Screaming, madness, hatred, violent…..

Quite….

Silence, sanity, apathy, kindness…

Quite…

Crashing, thrashing, shaking, pounding….

Quite….

Stillness, surrender, tranquil, stroking….

Quite….

Racing, banging, choking….pulsing…..

Quite

Careful

I know it may not seem so but I am fragile. I’m as soft as a lily and tender as the water colored sky.

I realize I put up a good front. My skill in deception in that can not be met.

It may not be obvious but, I’m as delicate as I am strong.

It my be hard to believe but, just as the ancient willows and oak trees my armor give way.

Be gentle my sweet, handle with care. For my strength can be broken and my charity lost.

They say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but what of the one that doesn’t make you stronger but instead kills you.

Lessons

I’m gonna make you miss me….. Wish you never left me….

I’m gonna make you want me….. regret all the times you beset me….

I’m gonna make you hunger me….. impossible to forget me…

I’m gonna make you thirst me…. no where to escape me….

You thought I’d stay down forever, never! You thought I’d never make it, mistake it! You mistook me for a toy, kill  joy.

Now I’m on a roll, the music alive in my soul. Now I’m running free, nothing but god can stop me. Now I’m believing, ready to start reaching.

Open my mouth, begin teaching. You should have had patience, you should have kept focus. Actions, making the difference.

Soon you’ll regret it, don’t you fret it….

I’m gonna make you miss me….. Wish you never left me….

I’m gonna make you want me….. regret all the times you beset me….

I’m gonna make you hunger me….. impossible to forget me…

I’m gonna make you thirst me…. no where to escape me….

 

Nick is still seearching for a home with no pther pets. He is living in a room by himself and I try to spend as much time as I can with him, but he is lonely for a family who can give him 100% of their time. He has healed completely physically but is terrified of other animals because he was used as a bait dog. He needs a family all to himself. He is a really sweet guy, house trained and command trained pretty much. We are still working on that. He is so terrified of other dogs, he will turn on them in self defenase even when they just try to love him. I thought I had a home for him, but have not heard back. Pleae, someone give this wonderful guy a home.  He still has some scars on his nose, but they are fading. He is one lovable and handsome young man. He is about 1 and 1/2 years old, not yet neutered but if you give him a home I will have it done.  He doesn’t  seem to get many comments at all let alone shares. He is a great guy. Contact me and I will put you in touch with the rescue that is handling his adoption. Thanks for caring!

This sweet boy was used as a bait dog by some useless humans that had no regard for his life. He is very sweet and loving but terrified of other animals!

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