Tag Archive: thoughts


Nobody

You say nobody wants you but you know this isn’t quite true…..

You try and try to keep them at bay, pissin em off and sending em away…

You say you’re nobody, but I’m nobody too…

And this nobody did want you…

Nobody listens, nobody cares, nobody pays attention to the hearts bleeding red…

Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody’s around when the soul finally leaves…

I know I’m nobody just like you, but you seem to be lost in your nobody zoo….

Nobody’s here, nobody’s there, but the more I seek the more I find nobody’s everywhere.

This nobody is okay, with nobody to hear, the nobody to share, the nobody whi cares.

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Fourth of July

As I sat this evening watching our towns fireworks display with my 3 yr old son Ej.   I found myself reflecting on so many aspects of my life and what life is to me. It’s sort of funny because on many levels I hate all holiday’s for one reason or another and for that simple fact, I had no problem pretty much making them non existent in my world. I don’t know if that bothers my older kids, I guess maybe I should ask. But now that I have Ej, I have to be honest in saying that, with my recent acceptance of all things Mari I am, on some level “okay” with allowing bits of the celebratory things “in” just for the memories! Don’t get me wrong, I still hate  pretty much all of them and wish they weren’t so “forced” upon EVERYONE! But, after being stripped of my older children by a bitter, angry, lying and manipulative ex and losing half their lives, milestones and memories….now that I have the little one I find myself cherishing every single second chance.

As for the 4th of July, I found that a I have only a few memories. From the time I was 7 yrs old until I was 12 I flew to see my dad and spent the summers with him. I loved those times, I remember us driving around and going to the firework stands and him letting me pick out what seemed to me to be A LOT of fireworks. Then us going back to his townhouse and watching him bustle around the grill on the back porch and in the kitchen prepping the meat about to go on the grill. I recall a few of his close friends or girlfriend being there and then as the night grew dark my dad lighting the fireworks. I would beg and plead for him to let me light some but he was always cautious about my safety, but of course he’d pull out the sparklers and that always made me happy.

Honestly, I have no other memories of celebrating the 4th from my childhood. I find that a little bit strange. I’m not sure why, but it kind of bothers me. I guess because around the time I turned 13 my mom sent me to live with my dad and after about 8 months I went back to my mother. And after that, my dad pretty much stopped all contact with me. I only saw him once after that while I was a teen and have only seen him maybe 3 times for less than an hour each time since then. My life probably would have been A LOT better and completely DIFFERENT had I just stayed there with him. But what did I know, I was a 13 yr old who had been abused and felt terrified of change!

Anyhow, the other thing I found myself reflecting on was the music that was playing during this years display; “Star Spangled Banner” well at least the first song and truly the only one I actually heard. Anyway, it’s funny because as I was growing up I remember having so much love, respect and PRIDE in our country! I know 100% what the 4th is a celebration of. Growing up my “step-dad” was Air-force and then I married a Sailor, even though I SHOULD have joined the Air-force instead, but I digress! I love and respect our soldiers! If it weren’t for them we would not have the precious freedoms we have and enjoy today. The very ones our government is slowly stripping us of but again, another story.

As the Star Spangled Banner played, tears started to well up in my eyes. Partly because I AM proud and thankful, because I know that this is a great country. Despite the pitiful  excuses for human beings we have elected that are desecrating our constitution ever so slowly with the help of the  unwitting AND witting!  Because I do know and understand there are still countries whose people would give anything to have half the luxuries that we take for granted every day! Because I see things the way they truly are, without the rose colored glasses. Because I truly am the 99%, because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon or a rich daddy or a trust-fund! Instead I was born to an immigrant mother who came here with a dream, and a dad who checked out when I needed a dad the most. And now, I have 2 grown sons, 2 near grown daughters and my Ej….

Who also don’t have any of the aforementioned luxuries that 2% of Americans have, I am disabled by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I fight it as best as I can. It’s always seemed that I’ve had this black cloud that just follows me where ever I go, it doesn’t matter how good of a person I am, it doesn’t matter that I have a heart of gold, that I’d give my last to save someone else. It doesn’t matter that even through all the crappy things that have happened in my life I didn’t end up a drug addict/prostitute/murderer or what have you. I did the complete opposite, I didn’t do drugs, kill people or rob banks! I went to school and tried to raise my children, to be good loving, productive, respectful PEOPLE! But tonight, I found myself reflecting on… “what will they get”? “what will they inherit”? “what will their children inherit”?…..”if everyone just keeps on this path of blame the other guy” and “micromanage our neighbor” attitudes, dear heavens what will they get? I can tell you, I’m terrified of the answers that come to mind. I don’t know what I can do to change any of it, but I can do something to help change it or at least die trying! But that’s what I came to conclude this 4th of July, that I do love my freedoms and my children’s FUTURES enough to want to DO something to help make a difference! I hope you do too!

Happy 4th  and a HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN out there! I love you all and respect you for giving so much for those of us who you have and will probably never met! And of course to those that have lost their lives fighting for us and their loved ones as well! You are missed and loved! ❤

Love, peace and Freedom!

Good Night…..

Mari

Time

It’s so easy to think we know it all, understand everything, have it all figured out. Then we blink…. and 5, 8, 10 years later, we look back and realize everything we thought we knew then….looks so different now. Has a whole new meaning, outcome or answer. Life is funny that way.

Mari

Missing Blogger

I know I’ve been quite absent the last month or so. Although I have had a bit of a rough bout with writers block, I’ve also kinda had some things going on that add to the block! I’ve had to take on a new doctor and his office is clear on the other side of the city and that takes an entire day for my twice a week appts. Talk about a pain! sheesh!

Then there is my mom, she was in Mexico for 6 months during the winter and not even a week after she gets back she is so sick she had to be hospitalized! So I had to be there of course, she’s my mommy and I’m her only child, and I love he,r so I needed to be there. 🙂  She seems to be recovering well and so I’m hoping for the best and that she will be back to 100% soon!

Then we have all the crazy ass storms that have continued to roll through and keep us all wet and worried! Rain, Hail, Tornado’s oh my! I’ve had about enough of the insane weather, I’m ready for it to blow somewhere else! I love the rain and try not to complain about it as this time last year the entire state was on fire!

Well, I have been bouncing around some creative ideas so I am hoping things will calm down a bit and I can focus on them soon!

Good night

Thoughts from dating….

Are there any decent, “normal” guys left out there? That can appreciate a curvy, intellectual, humorous woman? Who are not just looking to jump into ANY and as MANY beds as possible? That RESPECT women and don’t just view us as sexual objects? Hello, are you out there? Can you hear me?

I mean, come on guys, are there any that haven’t bought into this fake image of a photo-shopped, air brushed, malnutrition-ed, entertainment perpetuated woman? It seems as though there are not!

Are there guys out there that just respect a woman, that are not intimidated by intelligence? Confidence?

Or am I just a magnet for those that can’t see the nose despite their face? Am I wearing some large neon sign that flashes bright lights and reads “HEY, ASSHOLES AND DOUCHE BAGS WELCOME”? Because I’m here to tell you, you are NOT welcome! Not even slightly! And I will quickly tell you to take a long walk off a short and very high cliff!

I’d just like to know, at what point did so many men decide it is okay to do or say anything to get in a girls pants? Do you all not live in the same reality that I do?

The one where sexually transmitted diseases KILL! And unwanted pregnancies, unwanted BABIES are countless in every state?

As if there are not enough women out there that will freely give away their goodies at the first smile and “what’s up baby”.

Is it about the “game”? Is it about feeling triumphant, victorious even, for breaking down a woman’s guards and actually convincing her, to “trust” them….all in the name of getting some vajayjay!

Let me add that I’ve even encountered those that are “church” goers, who also use this “religion” facade in an attempt to gain brownie points! I’m here to tell you, in my opinion and experience, those are the worst offenders! And I’m far from over even sharing oxygen with those that fit this profile!

I’m not against everyone being consenting and responsible adults! I honestly believe us women have just as much right to sleep with whomever we want, IF we want. I don’t believe in that double standard bullshit that a guy is a stud if he sleeps around but a chic is a “slut” when she does it! I would just like to know, straight up, what your intentions are and be a willing party if I so choose to be!

The key words though are “consenting” and “responsible” and neither of which are an option is one party is lying just to get laid! And I haven’t even touched on the emotional repercussions involved! I’ll save that for another post.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize there are some really great guys out there! But being a single lady….who dates, it just amazes me just how many men are preying on women these days as well as expecting every woman to look like some barbie or cover girl model!

I hate to tell you guys, but real women come in all shapes, sizes, shades and some of us are pretty damn intelligent! You’re missing out!

Polling on Advice Blog

Something I’ve been working on and pondering about! Please vote bellow:

Infinite Me

My thoughts are a sea, endless and carefree….

My heart  is a mountain, sheer and gentle

My words are a meadow, colorful and sweet

My touch is a forest,  dense and intense

My love is a universe, colossal and infinite

My soul is a song that sings…. the depths of my sea,

the heights of my mountain tops,

the colors of my meadows,

the density of my forests,

the infinite song that is me.

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